How can I learn to meet other people where they are in life rather than where I expect them to be?
If you’ve had pattern training, you will remember the three areas of patterns are Environment, Relationships, and Biology.
Environment and Biology are predictable to anyone who wants to look. Relationships are the bugaboo. Because each person can make decisions on their own, if they change, expectations change. If I’m comfortable with the old pattern, the way things were, I miss the other person’s growth. To form new relationship expectations requires seeing how the other person reacts and behaves, now.
How do relationships become patterns? It depends on how I was raised and what I accept in relationships, in other words, what is my sense of Care, Support, Safety, and Boundaries. If I received everything I wanted from my caregivers, then I expect everything I want from other people. If I received nothing or inconsistent promises/lies from caregivers, I may want more, but I expect nothing or inconsistent love/lies from others.
When I interact with others, I form patterns, which set expectations, and I live within the boundaries of those expectations to maintain the relationship. So what happens if one of us changes?
When change happens, if I stay in the relationship, I have to find out where the other person is, who the other person becomes. If things change, one thing I can do is a relationship exercise to discover where my partner is now. It’s easy to do, but requires strength and commitment, because it can be scary. For this reason, don’t do it with someone you don’t trust. Don’t do it with someone you are afraid of. Don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position unless you know your exercise partner is safe.
Arthur Aron seems to have perfected the exercise but I believe it was being used before him. I remember doing it back in the 70s. I do not remember the creator but someone will know and tell me. If anyone knows the source, let me know and I will credit her or him.
In therapy, where to use it and when, is the question. Use it when it’s time. Techniques are a dime a dozen. Never confuse technique with treatment. A technique is used to move a person because they need to be moved at a specific time in treatment. Treatment is the sense of, the understanding, a person gains from a technique. Exercise: Set two chairs facing each other. Sit across from another person. Knees should be within a palm’s width of the other person’s knees. In other words, you are facing the person and close to them. Set a timer for four minutes. Look directly into the other person’s eyes. Blinking is fine but don’t lose eye contact. No talking, absolute silence. Monitor the feelings evoked in you. Experience the feelings of the other person. Simply be with them for four minutes. No expectations.
After the experience talk about it, honestly. Tell the person what you experienced about them and what you learned about yourself? What is the ‘sense of’ your partner you felt.
Here’s an example of when it could be used. I know a young woman who is growing and becoming healthy. She wants her mother to see her growth, to acknowledge it. She doesn’t need a showy reaction, just a simple acknowledgement. This is the exercise that could produce awareness in her mother.
If you decide to do this exercise, remember the cautions above. When you finish, whoever your partner is, give them what you feel they need. Do they need a shoulder, a hug, a good cry, a smile, a joke? The simplest gift is the best.