It Depends …
Third Answer to Stress – Relationships 1
In my environment, I can feel cold or hot. The sun comes up and goes down in much the same way every day. The heart pumps blood and the lungs breath in the same way they did yesterday. In my body, I can feel shortness of breath or see a cut bleed. These things are real and clear because the body and the environment have specific rules each follows. Relationships are different.
When I meet a person for the first time, what is the specific feeling (like the heat of the sun) that will tell me if this new person will like me, support me, protect me, and respect my limits? Questions whirl in relationships: Does he/she love me? Who gets custody of the dog if we separate? If my co-worker’s gossip about others, what are they saying about me? Can I always call my best friend?
The questions about how relationships operate are too many to answer in a blog. But what is the feeling(s) that answers the questions above?
It depends ...
Relationships operate in your life today based, in part, from how parents behaved toward you as a child. Did they care for you, physically and emotionally, in a way that made you feel valued, special? Did they keep you safe, physically and emotionally, in a way that made you feel protected and secure from harm? If I feel trust in these areas (trust that I was physically and emotionally cared for and safe), I know what it feels like and can apply that feeling to new relationships. In other words, I have a specific feeling about relationships I can apply to new people I meet.
I want to make this clear. Environmental care, shelter and clothing, is one need. Physical care, food and band aids, are another. A parent can provide these without ever providing emotional care or emotional safety. Creating a feeling that I am a critically important person to another person and knowing that I am safe from outside harm because of another person is essential to believing I can engage people, locate the caring and safe ones, while avoiding the uncaring and dangerous ones. When I do not know how to recognize the people who will care and keep me safe from the ones who will take advantage and abuse me, stress in relationships is exaggerated. Stress is reduced or eliminated when I can trust my judgement about who will care and protect.
It depends …